Yes I am one of those suburban types who likes to pour scorn on anything beyond the perimeter of my usual traversal – i.e. anything much beyond, say, Camberwell in the East, Yarraville in the West, Brunswick in the North and Brighton in the South. And that’s being generous. But I had heard whispers that the new Donny Shoppo (hereinafter DS) was a bit swisho and frankly I wanted to disprove such notions. The last time I went to DS was probably more than 10 years ago, and short of tearing the whole thing down I couldn’t see how you could improve it.

To paraphrase something I read somewhere recently, consumerism is based on the idea that we can all live like kings. (If someone knows who I’m paraphrasing, please tell me! It’s killing me!) Anyway, this insight seems to have been taken to considerable lengths at DS. With its sweeping spiral staircases, grand promenades, spacious air-conditioned vistas and momentously over-capitalised shops, its Chesterfield-infested “loungerooms” interspersed along the corridors and its concierge-style services, DS is certainly consumer indulgence on a massive scale.

The ranges of shops is awe-inspiring… Coles and Safeway, Myer and David Jones, Target and Big W. Not to mention suburban unlikelies including Bally, Calibre, Alannah Hill, MaxMara, Sass & Bide, Mecca, Lacoste, That Shop, Christensen Copenhagen… this is city-centre shopping comes to the suburbs.

Like a good acolyte of pomo architectural theory I want to start yawning about place – how these shopping behemoths are somehow “placeless”, they lack the variegation and patina of the “real” city.
On the other hand though, what about both/and? Isn’t this architecture entirely appropriate for this time and this place? And doesn’t variegation, all-too-often synonymous with civic dilapidation yet embraced by social elites as “texture” – hasn’t that now been shown to breed crime? DS steps lightly around such ideas. The shops’ interior designers have done a good job of de-homogenisation on many shops – Mecca has an intriguingly decontextualised barrel roof, some shops have timber shopfronts a la 19th century. But in the best nature of self-convenient pomo adherence it’s STILL incredibly disorienting and good luck finding your way out. There aren’t nearly enough maps. Oh but of course, play, not purpose. Oops I forgot. Only the right kinds of play and the right kinds of purpose, i.e. the ones that make you spend the most money.

We had a very nice latte and a passable pizza. We wandered round and we nearly bought stuff. We marvelled at the state-of-the-art parking guidance system. (follow the green lights!) And the acres upon acres of shops. And the attractive food hall. And the (rather distant) views of the city through the enormous glass walls of the Food Court. I felt slightly dirty and slightly dirtier when I realised I might be
enjoying myself.

BTW My photos are here, but they’re not terribly representative. You can get a better idea on Flickr.

Trains are marvelous especially if activity centres are built around them, a la Tokyo, god I love you Tokyo, which is all the more reason why, as well as not building more meaningful rail, the government needs to SPIT IN GEOFFREY RUSH’S FACE and adhere to the Melbourne 2030 plan, and moreover, build BIG 20-STOREY RESIDENTIAL TOWERS ALL OVER the area near Camberwell station  so that Melbourne is workable, rather than acquiescing to the whinging of NIMBY namby-pamby thespians who are under the illusion that shitty old Camberwell station is worth preserving, if you don’t mind. Obviously too busy driving to Braaaaaghton in his Bentley to notice it’s an OLD FASHIONED ABLUTIONS BLOCK with no architectural merit whatsoever. Inner Melbourne needs to be BUILT UP and FAST – I understand heritage values but really, sweethearts, not everything is worth preserving, and we need a NETWORK of trains that can get us all from A to B without the need for our gas-guzzling cars.

All of the above and CAN WE PLEASE STOP BUILDING MORE OUTER SUBURBS THAT ARE MORE THAN AN HOUR FROM THE CBD where people live in gross isolation from culture and humanity and interest and services and anything else that makes life and urbanism vaguely livable. And while we’re at it can we create a virus that prevents people from believing they need a 1/4 acre block and a triple garage to enjoy life.

DENSITY, PEOPLE! EMBRACE IT!

[end rant]