Is Madge obsessed with staying young? Or well adjusted? Conflicted by expectations of “valuable” women to remain youthful? She is 49 and I think she’s had some quality plastic surgery to stave off the visible signs of ageing. I reckon you’re only old if you feel it - if you are obsessing about being old. Or denying it. 49’s not exactly old: but it is old if you’re comparing yourself to the young. There’s little fragments of youth obsession laced through Hard Candy:

1. In the song Hard Candy, she insists on whispering/purring “my sugar is RAAAAW.” Sweetie, your sugar ain’t raw. Your sugar is so processed it ain’t funny.

2.  Just before the end of the song Heartbeat a male voice conspicuously shrieks “Giiiiirl”…. Ah, 49 is not girl. 49 is woman, thankyou. Like John McEnroe is not a boy.

3. She’s Not Me sounds like a musical warning to hubby Guy Ritchie not to run off with a younger hottie:

She is licking her lips
And she’s batting her eyes
She’s not me
She’s got legs up to there
And such beautiful hair
She’s not me

But then she has another point:  doesn’t matter how old she is, there’s no-one with her name. A name that keeps getting mentioned over and over again on the album, just in case you forget it.

Japanese television has its priorities right. No trashy Big Brother, just nice wholesome baby races run with super-cute Japanese babies:

The last couple of days I’ve been really missing Tokyo. When I miss it, I get little flecks of Tokyo street scenes passing through my head. I miss its urbanism, its eclectic clutter, its overload of culture and surprise. Tokyo is a fertile imagination of neverending variegation and intrigue. Its interest is inexhaustible. I crave the luxury of time to get lost in its byways, to take the train to a station I’ve never been to and explore, to discover its perversely hidden treasures, to unfold its map of desires. I want to eat it, watch it, walk it, buy it and live it, and know  there will never be enough time to see it all.

1. Sprinkle liberally with Monocle’s first scent: Hinoki. It’s brisk and piny and steers clear of the more clicheed jungle notes.

2. Allow to dry.

Listen up: drinking beer from a bottle in a paper bag is cool. On the street, with a beanie, and some clandestine attitude. With the bag in place, people can’t see it’s alcohol, so it’s less offensive PLUS you get the added thrill of fooling people.

So given this coolness, it’s needless to say the world was calling out for the Ted696 project, an effortlessly logical blend of art competition and bogan street drinking. Competitors design an artsy bag in just the right size to caressingly sleeve a (new) 696mL size bottle of Tooheys Extra Dry.

Duh, even with the extra culture, blind Myrtle could tell you were an alco from half a mile.